What should I even do with this...

I'm really not that into blogging... I'm not super social and I don't feel like people care about my boring life to come on here and read this, wait, I know for sure Mel does... but for now, I will consider her the exception, not the rule.  Besides the fact that I'm working 7 days a week... sometimes with only 8 hours in between a shift and nothing really to show for it, except my huge school bill (that I am planning on paying all by myself without the help of my dad, hopefully).  I never update this thing, I honestly have no time, except for when I'm sitting on a grave shift, trying to stay awake and with honestly nothing better to do.  The free time I do have I try to spend with Kyle, who I'm sure is sick of me never being home and running around frantically trying to take care of him when I am.  I don't even know if I want to keep this... I feel stressed to keep it updated but at the same time, stressed with how little time I have to do it.  I can't even post any fun "Check out what we did this weekend" updates, because our weekends consist of sleeping in because we both get off around midnight and need to unwind, causing us to fall asleep around 2 or 3 and waking up in enough time to get ready for work.  I love kyle's response when I apologize for not having any time "It's how it has to be right now, it will get better"... but I know it won't for awhile.  I'm trying to set up a meeting time to meet with a professor from school who will help me study for the LSAT.  I want to take the test in October, but I'm already a few months behind.  I should have started in January... but I didn't, and now it is almost June.  I can catch up though.  But I'm also considering finishing my degree completely, and then applying to law school.  So that means I would apply in 2010, not 2009.  It's all up in the air, but it is something I'm looking into.  Kyle and I did get to go home for Mother's day weekend.  My little brother is on a mission and got to call home, so I was super excited to talk to him!  He got to talk to Kyle as well, which was so special for me because Jay didn't get to come to the wedding and he was probably the person I wanted there the most.  We went 4 wheeling with my dad in Mt Charleston that weekend as well.  My dad absolutely loves those toys and loves to take them out any chance he gets.  And dad LOVES Kyle because they share a lot of the same interests, so it's like a "friend" for my dad.  We don't even know when we will get to leave Cedar again, considering my work schedule, but as soon as we figure it out, I will be the first one in the car!  So to make a long story short... this may be my last blog... I will probably cancel this and start new when I have time and a better life :)

What a mess... the most honest and real i'll ever be...

I'm not sure how into this whole blogging thing I am... I don't know who really checks this and to be honest, I don't care... but I need an outlet.  I have spent almost everyday on the phone with my mom (she is the most amazing mom ever) crying.  And yet, I have nothing to cry about... here is the situation...  

I was taking a medication on a trial basis... The dr said this one would be good for me, and although I am always somewhat skeptical of dr's, we went over all of my issues and this seemed to be the best option.  I took it for a little over 5 weeks and the whole time just felt completely yucky... I don't even know how to describe the yucky feeling, I just didn't feel right... I had a constant feeling that I needed to stop taking this medication, so I did.  And now everything is awful.  We think the medication messed with everything... I spent all of last summer getting help for my addictions, which we all thought I had overcome... but I find myself constantly turning back to the "simple solution".  It's back, and not as bad as it used to be but needless to say, I'm back to my old habits.  I'm irritable and moody all of the time... I snap at the smallest things.  I find myself wanting to be alone more often than not and I'm constantly unhappy with everything.  So I call my mom everyday to tell her how no one (especially Kyle) has done anything wrong, but I constantly find reasons to be mad... if Kyle is completely perfect, I'm mad that he is so perfect and I'm such a b*tch.  Anyone who has been around me the past 2 or 3 weeks has definitely noticed a difference.  I'm not me...

So 2 days ago, my mom decided this needed to stop.  She and my dad have offered to pay any medical bills I may acquire while getting treatment, but the ultimate decision is that something needs to be done.  But the decision is mine.  I am currently working 2 jobs and don't know if I can afford the time off of work to drive to and from Vegas every month... and this past summer was hard... I'm not saying I'm not up for a challenge, but I watched what I did to my family and still look back broken hearted that I could ever do that, to anyone.  But the reality is, I'm not well... I am sick and I need help... but admitting it is hard and going through with it is even harder.  We are currently looking for a good dr is st george, but I still don't like the idea of going alone... what a mess.  This is one of those things I just want to be over with...