Wednesday, May 6, 2009

What a mess... the most honest and real i'll ever be...

I'm not sure how into this whole blogging thing I am... I don't know who really checks this and to be honest, I don't care... but I need an outlet.  I have spent almost everyday on the phone with my mom (she is the most amazing mom ever) crying.  And yet, I have nothing to cry about... here is the situation...  
I was taking a medication on a trial basis... The dr said this one would be good for me, and although I am always somewhat skeptical of dr's, we went over all of my issues and this seemed to be the best option.  I took it for a little over 5 weeks and the whole time just felt completely yucky... I don't even know how to describe the yucky feeling, I just didn't feel right... I had a constant feeling that I needed to stop taking this medication, so I did.  And now everything is awful.  We think the medication messed with everything... I spent all of last summer getting help for my addictions, which we all thought I had overcome... but I find myself constantly turning back to the "simple solution".  It's back, and not as bad as it used to be but needless to say, I'm back to my old habits.  I'm irritable and moody all of the time... I snap at the smallest things.  I find myself wanting to be alone more often than not and I'm constantly unhappy with everything.  So I call my mom everyday to tell her how no one (especially Kyle) has done anything wrong, but I constantly find reasons to be mad... if Kyle is completely perfect, I'm mad that he is so perfect and I'm such a b*tch.  Anyone who has been around me the past 2 or 3 weeks has definitely noticed a difference.  I'm not me...
So 2 days ago, my mom decided this needed to stop.  She and my dad have offered to pay any medical bills I may acquire while getting treatment, but the ultimate decision is that something needs to be done.  But the decision is mine.  I am currently working 2 jobs and don't know if I can afford the time off of work to drive to and from Vegas every month... and this past summer was hard... I'm not saying I'm not up for a challenge, but I watched what I did to my family and still look back broken hearted that I could ever do that, to anyone.  But the reality is, I'm not well... I am sick and I need help... but admitting it is hard and going through with it is even harder.  We are currently looking for a good dr is st george, but I still don't like the idea of going alone... what a mess.  This is one of those things I just want to be over with... 

2 comments:

  1. We'll pray for you. There are good doctors in SLC. And you would have a place to stay. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you!

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  2. me and kyle have talked about coming up there to go to Lagoon for a day... but we don't know yet... especially with everything that is going on... but we want to spend a little time out of cedar... we'll let you know though for sure

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